This past week I couldn’t help but look back on my twenties. I got bombarded with discouragement, a terrible gift to receive on your birthday. The idea of being almost thirty put me in a almost thirty life crisis.
I looked back on the last ten years and wondered, where did the time go? What have I done? I have no career and no significant recognition to show for the past decade. A degree with no credential, semi finished masters [oh yes, I almost forgot]. I’ve been a retail worker, tutor, wanna –be party planner. The endeavors I’ve chased that all fell short of my own expectations. A semi successful craft blog and a failed attempt at being a fitness coach.
You feeling as down as I was?! I sat there Monday night feeling defeated. Randy hugged me as I whimpered and threw myself an epic birthday pity party. I told him I love being a stay at home mom, I love my life, but I felt as if everything I’ve attempted to do has just fallen short.
My goodness I can’t believe I sat there and listened to all these lies from the devil. I poured out my heart to God the next day and He told me, why are you measuring yourself to the standards of this world? Awards, credentials, plaques, fame, money. Is that where you find your worth? Is your worth found in these physical things, in how people view you?
He may not have been speaking audibly, but I heard him loud and clear. In case I had any doubt He also wanted to show me. Chapter 7 of Tuesday mornings devotional reminded me that I am not defined by my idea of success. My worth is found in Him and I am who He says I am… redeemed, beautifully and fearfully made, a loved wife and mom, proud home maker, faithful friend, hard worker, blessed.
If that were not enough of a pick me up, I got the most fitting gift. Randy had no idea I was feeling discouraged when he bought this card, but it spoke directly to my struggle. My amazing husband is the one physical person whose opinion I value most and the words in this card were the best birthday present I could have gotten. Yes, I cried knowing the words in this card is how he thinks of me.
Yes all the things I have tried to do have fallen short, but He reminded me of Esther’s story and what her uncle told her, for you are in your position for such a time as this. I may not be saving a whole nation, but God was telling me I am doing exactly what I am suppose to do. I am exactly where I am need to be. I’m in training and as long as I stay faithful and obedient I know one day I’ll be able to teach it and preach it.
God reminded me to have patience. Abraham was 100 when his dream of a son was fulfilled. Joseph worked 13 years before he earned the right to marry Rachel. Moses waited 30 years before going back to Egypt to set the Israelite's free. Joseph was enslaved and imprisoned before he became second in command. David was told he would be king as a teen but first he had to kill Goliath.
Story after story reminded me to be patient. There will be victories and times when I feel like a failure. Each moment will be an opportunity to learn. Maybe just probably, the things I’ve chased haven’t flourished because He has something a little different for me, maybe something bigger that what I even dreamed of.
God was asking me Do you trust me? Do you trust me that I want what is the ABSOLUTE very best for you? Will you follow the way I lead you even when it doesn’t look like the road you want to take? Will you listen even though it means having to wait, doing some hard things? Will you give up in times like these when you feel defeated. Do you trust me?
I do. The last ten years has brought me to this moment. Each season has prepared me for such a time as this. I know one day I'll have that published book or be able to lead that women's Bible study. But for now I'll stand strong in who I am, I'll be patient and trust God.